i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
