It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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