well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
