Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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