I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
