I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I need to calm my uterus...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
