I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Randomize
