as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
