i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
