I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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