it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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