mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
