I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
