Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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