Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
