I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
