I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
