I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
