census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
