Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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