I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
