my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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