i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
