Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize