Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
