did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
