I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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