I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
