There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
