She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
