I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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