I cannot find my penis.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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