Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
