She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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