the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
