I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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