Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
