How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
