I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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