Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize