your parents love me but you hate me
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
