I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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