I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
