rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
