you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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