fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
