Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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