I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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