new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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