His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
