Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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