the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
