Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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