it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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