Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Im part way to drunk.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
