I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize