If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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