i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
