24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
